The Misadventures of a Stuffed Unicorn Named Ted
by LaLaFaery
Summary: These are the carefully recorded misadventures of a variety of random Harry Potter Characters, and a stuffed unicorn named Ted... and by carefully, I mean... completely made up by a sugar induced authoress!
1. The Demise of Ted

The Misadventures of a Variety of Harry Potter Characters, and a Stuffed Unicorn Named Ted

Hermione Granger, bookworm and know-it-all extraordinaire, walked tranquilly into the Great Hall. She stopped suddenly, sniffing the air. Her eyes widened in fear.

"Ack! Smoke! I smell smoke!" She shrieked.

Across the hall, Crabbe poked Goyle, and pointed a petrified Hermione.

'By Jove, Goyle, I do believe that Miss Hermione Granger smells smoke."

"It would seem so, Crabbe, it would seem so..." Goyle nodded wisely.

Hermione, meanwhile, was fighting the urge to run away, screaming loudly. Alas, Hermione did not have the best self-control, and so, she sprinted through the Great Hall, crying that the British were coming. Ginny, thinking this was a new game her friend had invented, joined Hermione in her antics. Ginny soon grew bored with simply running and screaming, and began throwing passing house elves instead. This caught Hermione's attention. All thoughts of smoke had vanished, replaced by the frenzy of a mother duck.

"Cruelty to house elves! You shall die! Cruelty to house elves! _You shall die_!" She chanted, chasing Ginny with a fork. Ginny shrieked, and tore towards the nearest exit. She reached for the handle, and the door flew open suddenly. She darted through the opening, and promptly crashed into a startled Ron.

"Hi Ron!" Ginny chirped, scrambling off of him. "Gotta go!"

"Die, die, d–" Hermione skidded to a halt at the sight of Ron.

"Hi Ron!" She fluffed her hair, and adjusted her mussed skirt. Ginny took the opportune moment to make herself scarce.

"Hi, 'Mione." Ron's ears blazed red as Hermione stepped forward, and adjusted his tie.

"Oh, Ron." She whispered passionately.

"Oh, Hermione." He whispered back.

"Oh, Ron."

"Oh, Hermione."

Ginny popped up, and began shooing wide-eyed first years away from the occupied couple.

"Nothing to see here… Nothing to see here…" She herded the previously innocent students outside.

"Ron. Psst. Ron!" She whispered loudly. He ignored her. She sighed dramatically, and stomped over to the lip-happy couple.

"We should really move this shin-dig while it's still PG." She said, nervously eyeing a suspicious-looking prefect. Ron kicked her.

"Owie." She pouted. Realizing she had no other option, she grabbed both Ron and Hermione, and dragged them off to the dungeons.

* * *

Ginny was sitting in Snape's secret snogging closet, playing with her pink, stuffed unicorn named Ted, whose masculinity was being questioned by a large, sparkly ribbon. Hermione, and Ron, meanwhile, sat snogging contentedly in a corner, oblivious to the battle being waged over Ted's self-esteem. Suddenly, Hermione realized that she still smelled smoke! She had to warn Ron!

"Ron! I smell smoke!" She cried. Or, at least, she attempted to. It came out as "Oon! Ah glargh smoooock!", because it _is_ rather hard to enunciate while your lips are in a deadlock with someone else's.

Ron broke away, and looked at Hermione quizzically. Hermione glared at him.

"Ron! This is no time to start gazing romantically into each other's eyes! We have to go!"

Hermione grabbed his hand, and raced towards Ginny, forcing her to leave Ted on the closet floor. The three sprinted out of the potions room, and raced down the corridor. Suddenly, Ginny's eyes widened, and she skidded to a halt.

"Oh no!" She yelped. "We left Ted behind! Man down! Man down!"

She turned around and began to hurry back to where her fluffy friend lay on the floor. And then the Potions room imploded, and Ted along with it.

"No! Ted!" Ginny shrieked.

Hermione and Ron resumed snogging.

After a moment of silence in memory of her beloved stuffed animal, Ginny whipped out a fashionable black ski mask from the front of her shirt.

"I'm going to break into Gringotts," she whispered, "and steal money so I can buy a new unicorn, whom I shall name Ted's Revenge!"

And with that, she skipped down the corridor, and out of Hogwarts.

* * *

"Ahh-h-h-h!"

_Crash_

"Ahhh-h-h-h-h!"

_Crash_

_Tinkle_

"Ahh-h-h-h!"

Ginny was attempting, unsuccessfully, to create a hole in Gringotts with her head. As you can imagine, this wasn't working as well as she'd hoped. She sat back, and stared at the wall. Slowly, a nefarious plan began to formulate. Suction cups and fluffy bunnies flashed before her eyes, and she grinned evilly. She leaped up, and raced off to find Lord Voldemort's Supervillian Supply Store for her necessary supplies.

Ten minutes and forty-two seconds later, Ginny stood yet again before the impenetrable stone wall. She laughed evilly as she attached suction cups to various, random parts of her body, picked up the two cages filled with innocent bunnies, and tried to walk towards Gringotts. Emphasize on the word _tried_. The suction cups on her feet worked a little _too _well, and she was stuck to the ground.

"Hermione! Ron!" Ginny screamed. "Help!"

Far away, in the potion corridor, Ron and Hermione paused from their passionate kissing.

"Did you hear something?" Hermione asked, looking confused. Ron shook his head, shrugging, and they resumed kissing.

Ginny was getting tired of just standing there. She pushed the button on her brand-spanking-new-evil-Hello-Kitty belt. A rappel slid out, and shot towards the wall. With a hard jerk, Ginny flew towards the wall. The bunnies in their cages didn't even have time to frantically wriggle their tails before they, along with Ginny, collided painfully with the wall.

"Ow…" Ginny whimpered. The bunnies squeaked feebly, and dissolved into a nervous, shivering wreck.

Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione had tired of passionate kissing, and had taken up playing the gloriously exciting game of Jacks. The winner had to start passionately kissing the loser. All in all, it was a very exciting game. But enough about them and their raging hormones… let's get back to that thrilling back robbery!

* * *

Ginny reached for her odd, muggle contraption called a cell-y-phone-y, which has just been randomly placed in this story by the sugar-induced authoress! _Anyways_, Ginny realized with mounting horror that she couldn't call Hermione without dropping the bunnies! Oh no! Whatever shall happen next?! A muggle-loving, unicorn-riding Voldemort's, perhaps? A sudden lecture on what happens in drinking to much fire whiskey in one gulp? Oh wait, dear readers! It's _so_ much better! Who should come around the corner but the Dark Lord himself, skipping hand in hand with Harry Potter; both of them singing a song about fire whiskey on a wall! And is that really what happens next in the storyline? No, dear children, this is called _sarcasm_.

_The authoress looks thoughtful. _

_"I wonder what's for lunch?" She begins to wander off when Ron, Hermione and Ginny pop up._

_"FINISH THE BLOODY STORY!!"_

_The authoress raises her hands in surrender. _

_"All right, all right! Keep your ties on!"_

* * *

Now, when we last left our red-headed heroine, she was thinking harder than she'd every thought before… Whilst humming the Mission Impossible theme song. Then, her face lit up. She would dial her cell-y-phone-y… WITH HER NOSE! YES! She leaned forwards, and began pressing buttons…

The Teletubbies theme song rang through Snape's occupied snogging corridor. Hermione accidentally dropped a jack, losing the game. Ron gave her an air kiss as she fumbled for her cell phone.

"What?" She snapped impatiently into the speaking… end… thingy. "You just interrupted my very important game of jacks to tell me that you're stuck on a bank wall? Well, I don't care if you…" She listened intently. "What? Five innocent bunnies are stuck up there with you?! I'M COMING, BUNNIES!!"

Hermione snapped her phone shut, and turned to Ron.

"It's show time."

They both put on dark-tinted sunglasses, and bounded away.

Meanwhile, Ginny would have been hanging there quite peacefully if not for the fact that the bunny cages were slowly slipping from her hands. And then… _it _happened. The suction cups gave way, and Ginny plummeted to the ground, screaming loudly. Fortunately for her, she landed on something soft that made a funny noise when she landed on it. Ginny rolled over, and grinned brightly at the person beneath her.

"Hi Ron!"

Ron groaned loudly. Ginny kept chattering away mindlessly. Suddenly, she gasped.

"Oh no! Where are the bunnies?!"

Before Ginny went into severe panic mode, Hermione stepped out of the shadows, holding the bunny cages. Ginny squealed, and ran towards her cuddly friends.

"Frederick Snitchellez! You're safe!"

Ron and Hermione stared at her.

"Huh?" Ron asked intelligently. Ginny gazed happily at her bunnies.

"See, I named them! This one's Snuffles, that one's George, who just happens to be next to Boo and Lou, and _this _one's Frederick Snitchellez the First!" She held up the unfortunate bunny proudly. Hermione stared at her, perplexed.

"Okay… well, then." She and Ron began to inch away from the preoccupied red-head.

"Not so fast!" Ginny smiled evilly. "I have some plans for you two…"

_Oh no! Whatever shall become of Ron and Hermione?! Will Ginny actually break into the bank? And which came first, the chicken, or the egg?!_ _Stay tuned for the next chapter! And… __REVIEW!_


	2. Reunion

The Misadventures of a Variety of Harry Potter Characters, and a Stuffed Unicorn Named Ted: Chapter Two

"Okay," said Ginny, "all you have to do is cut this rope, and the anvil will swing into this annoying stubborn wall, and break it!"

Hermione frowned.

"How'd that anvil get there?" She asked, wrinkling her forehead.

"Didn't you know? I always carry an anvil with me!" Ginny chirped, prancing about like a rabid kangaroo.

"Okay, ladies… Stand back." Ron said, simply oozing masculinity. "_I'll_ cut the rope."

As the girls stepped back, Ron felt in his pocket for Steve, his machete, and then looked up at Ginny and Hermione with an expression of pure horror.

"STEVE'S GONE!" He wailed. "I just had him! I _know_ I did!" He began to sob uncontrollably. "And now… I've _lost _him!"

Hermione hugged Ron consolingly.

"It's okay," she said soothingly, while shooting Ginny exasperated looks. "Shh… shh… it's okay."'

Ron finally stopped crying, and Hermione released him slowly. He curled up into a ball, and began rocking back and forth, mumbling "Steve… machete… lost…"

Ginny and Hermione rolled their eyes in unison.

"Do you think he'll be okay?" Ginny whispered as Ron began spinning in circles.

"He'll be fine." Ginny shrugged dismissively. Hermione frowned. Ron did not seem 'fine' to her… Ginny whacked her on the head with a ski mask. Hermione smiled slyly, and pulled it on over her unruly hair. The two girls picked Ton up, carried him over to a dumpster, and dropped him in.

"It's just until we get back, Ron." Ginny cackled, pulling a pair of scissors from her pocket, and handed them to Hermione, who then… CUT THE ROPE!

The two girls sung through the air with the greatest of ease, the something and something on their greatest trapeze. Hermione and Ginny let of the rope, and toppled through the anvil-created-hole-in-the-wall and landed gracefully in Gringotts. Well, actually, Hermione landed gracefully… and Ginny promptly fell on her face.

"I'm okay!" She chirped. At least, that what Hermione _thought _she said, seeing as it was rather hard to tell _what _Ginny had said since she was speaking to the floor. She might have said "Purple bunnies are taking over the world, warn your friends", but that seemed rather unlikely. But then again, it was rather hard to tell with Ginny… Hermione shrugged the phrase off, and turned to survey the room. She gasped. There, sitting of a golden pedestal inlaid with jewels, was Steve the Machete.

Ron was sitting in the dumpster, wailing and lamenting the loss of Steve. Suddenly, he saw an ice cream sandwich! He squealed like a five-year-old girl in a pink tutu. He snatched up the ice cream, and devoured it in two seconds flat. H smacked his lips, and began hunting for more frozen treats. He squealed again when he saw a Swiss Army Pocket Knife.

"Yay!" he squealed joyfully. "I'm going to call you Bob!"

He gave the knife a hug, and tenderly wrapped it in the ice cream sandwich wrapper. Suddenly, Steve flew into the dumpster. Ron let out a girlish giggle, and grabbed Steve up in a manly embrace.

"Steve!" I have a new buddy! Wanna meet him?!"

Ron gently shook the badly wrapped pocket knife.

"Bob? Bob?! Bob!!" The package came unwrapped from Ron's incessant poking. "Oh!" he squealed. "You're awake! Meet Steve!"  
Ron shook the two knives as though they were waving at each other.

"Let's have a tea party!" Luke squeaked enthusiastically, trying to give the Swiss Army Knife a voice.

"Yeah." Ron said in a deep voice, this time waving Steve. Luke began to fish around in the dumpster, clearly searching for a tea set.

Ginny and Hermione were watching Ron and Steve's reunion from the hole in the wall.

"Come on, we're not in the vault yet." Said Ginny, attempting to drown out Ron's girlish giggles and squeals

Hermione ignored her, watching Ron with a smile on her face.

"Aw… he's so cute!" She sighed dreamily.

Ginny rolled her eyes, and dragged Hermione away from the hole.

_Yes... well. I hope you still like it... especially after I made this chapter so short... Please review!_


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